alynnwells: (raven)
[personal profile] alynnwells
Well, somebody who doesn't read this LJ asked me to unpack that statement about psychically bleeding, and after I'd done it, it seemed like I might as well put it here, too. Some of this will be repetition from earlier in the journal, but I don't think I can sort it out well enough to do the explanation without it.


While I have a larger sense of Deity(s), I mostly interact with the universe/higher power/world around me through this trio of shapeshifters whose medicine seems to influence and/or describe my life. My two primary powers are Coyote and Raven. Coyote is obvious, vocal, and not shy about biting me on the ankle if he thinks I'm screwing up. Raven . . . a lot of people never see me be Raven. Raven seems to be the power of making and unmaking, and power makes me nervous--especially when it's mine.

Coyote and Raven do not, generally, get along. This is consistent through most stories about them. Antipathy might not be a strong enough word. Coyote typically has my left ankle and Raven's on my right shoulder, so you can imagine what this tug of war can do to the rest of li'l ol' me. I never sat easy in myself until Fox showed up. Fox is not really a guide or a guardian for me--Fox is where I need to center myself. Fox stands between Coyote and Raven and keeps them from making a hash of my life. For me, Fox is usually home and hearth, and the ability to see just far enough ahead and react quickly enough to protect the things that are important to me.

Which is a long way of coming around to . . . I am so not standing in Fox right now. I can't find my center. I have nightmares where I get up and walk around the room feeling threatened and can't wake up, and I don't swear I don't get up out of my body and really walk around the room during them. I have dreams of shapeless things on black wings swooping down and sweeping up the things I love. The finances are in trouble, I can't find a job, and I keep seeing a small spirit lurking around the house which I think is RH's and my potential child, that keeps not finding a home. I hate where we live (the apartment's fine but the neighbors make me very unhappy). I need RH to be more grizzly bear and less teddy bear, sometimes. We can't afford a house unless I get a job. RH has paid a semester of tuition for nothing, because his damned institute of so-called higher learning has nothing for him since December but have his prospectus in hand and not say anything, including whether it needs revisions or he can just start on his dissertation. At a time when I'm worrying about the finances.

I feel like I'm losing my Self just a little dribble at a time. Which is probably why the metaphor comes out as "bleeding." I'm really to the point where, as much as I continue to act, I feel like I'm reduced to prayer. I'm not good at prayer, and not for the reasons responsible spiritual people in my life cite as most people's problem with prayer. A lot of people are very good at asking for what they need, and forget to say thank you to Deity(s) when good things arrive. Me, I'm pretty damn good at thank yous. I'm terrible at asking for help.

Leaving aside the question of who I ask. Which is a sticky question. I have strong enough feelings about Gods and Powers that choosing to pray--especially to make an offering with prayer--feels a lot like jumping off a cliff. Prayer is, historically, an attempt to bargain with the gods. And the hazard of bargaining with the gods is that if they come through with their end of the deal, you don't always know that they think you've promised in return.

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alynnwells

January 2011

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